Last night was my mother's first night back on oxygen...
...since the concentrator broke down Saturday night. Yesterday was half way between a classically slow day (which we haven't had since the Colonoscopy procedure) and a "new" slow day. Her appetite, though, regulated itself, she remained awake about as much as used to be typical for an active day and her blood sugar remained within her normal zone, 120 in the morning, 109 at night.
    Today, her wedding anniversary, will be the first of two birthday celebrations (if everything goes according to plan). Yesterday when my mother was talking to MCS I overheard her say something that sounded as though she was telling MCS that this would be her 16th birthday. After the conversation I joked about this and, from her response, surmised that she may not have been joking. Later I mentioned something about me being thrilled that, after the last six months, we made it to her 86th birthday. She looked at me as though my attempt at a joke had gone bad and said, disgusted, "I can't possibly be that old."
    Although I laughed and did the math for her (which she followed but didn't believe), I also told her, "That's probably why you are turning 86, Mom, because you don't believe it's possible that you are 'that old'!"
    In our society, we tend to think that a "young" attitude at an "old" age is indicated by such conditions as the desire and ability to play tennis or some other sport in one's 80's or beyond; personal dedication to a "healthy life-style" (whatever that is), despite the fact that it is against the nature of healthy youth to be concerned about health; one's desire to actively seek out and enter into society at large; whether or not one "looks one's age". In my mother, none of these significators applies but two others, I think, do: she seems to find it impossible to care or believe that she is an octogenarian and, after all these years, although she knows that everyone dies, she still does not believe that she will ever die. She has not faced her own mortality despite having come mighty close to it a couple of times.
    She may have times when she would like to spend the rest of her life in sleep. She may find much of what goes on "out there" silly and not worth her attention unless she can attend to it by sitting on the sidelines and watching it. She may so sorely miss those of her family and friends who have died that she does not always remember they are dead. This week, in fact, she spent most of an entire day repeatedly asking me to get in touch with one of her nephews and his wife so she could find out where her sister and brother-in-law are, despite reminders to her that they are dead (in fact, I did try to find out how to locate her nephew and his wife but discovered that both their last phone number and email address have changed without any forwarding information, so it will take a bit longer for us to reach them). None of this matters because she knows, with absolute certainty, that she will wake up from every night-sleep and every nap in her body and in this world. If she has an ailment it will, without much effort, either quickly "run its course" or she'll adjust to the point of the ailment being of no consequence. Most importantly, she always believes that everything, absolutely everything, will always "turn out all right." It's hard to determine how much of her optimism is due to the accidental luck of the circumstances of her life and how much can be attributed to sheer emotional determination to remain above water despite the depths in which she finds herself.
    Although I'm grateful for her attitude, I'm not recommending it as an antidote to either aging or impending death. I don't believe there is anything inherently debilitating or dangerous or wrong with the opposite attitude or any attitude in between. I know of people who have embraced this life fully and have died untimely deaths. I know of people who literally count on the possibility of dying "soon", yet continue for years, their distaste for life and desire for death remaining securely intact. I don't even believe that life is a classroom within which we learn self- or other-prescribed lessons. I think that everyone develops the attitude that suits their experience and there is nothing wrong with an attitude that appears to constrict a particular life, unless a particular person decides they want to change their particular attitude. We are, after all, playing, here, with what life can be, each of us in our unique way with our unique make-up within our own unique circumstances. I'm just very pleased that my mother is not only still playing, but isn't yet contemplating an end to her play.
    Happy, happy birthday, Mom, whatever age you think you are! What would you like to play, today?
- posted by gail rae @ 07:19   email...this post