Having experienced surprising levels of fatigue...
...since last Wednesday, I've also been stepping back and observing myself as I negotiate life with my mother and wondering exactly why this might be happening. I've discarded health concerns. I've thought about the constant harping on websites and in books and articles devoted to caregiving that I "need a vacation" and, although I certainly wouldn't mind one, after some deep thought, I don't think I "need" one, at this point, as, for instance, a soldier comes to a point where R&R is needed.
    Instead, an idea has been niggling at me that I think carries more truth about my current life and my fatigue than anything anyone has suggested or I've previously considered. I think I have lately backed off from my previous level of complete involvement in taking care of my mother that allowed me the ability to flow freely with it and, thus, rest as I do it when rest is needed.
    This conclusion has startled me, as it isn't one that I've noticed mentioned in any material I've read about caretaking or by anyone with whom I've discussed caretaking. It is, though, an explanation that fits me and my mode of living quite well.
    Does this diagnosis sound oblique to those of you reading this? Let me see if I can explain what I mean.
    I am not one to ever worry about "losing myself" in my relationships with people, in jobs, in any circumstances of life. I feel exactly the opposite about my life, that the more involved I become in any activity or any relationship the more likely I am to be "with" myself. I think, over the last few days (perhaps longer), I have been fighting this deep level of involvement in my caregiving life with my mother. I came to this conclusion today and simply: I noticed that my body feels as though I've been physically defending myself; tight and achey. I've also noticed that quite a few of my free floating thoughts have been devoted to a subject of which I haven't previously thought: What I'll do after my mother dies. The thoughts haven't gone far...it remains, and I expect it to continue to remain, impossible for me to imagine my life after my mother's death. I have preferred it this way. I have even been grateful, especially in the circumstances in which I have found myself since 1994, that my character is such that I do not plan things long range: I am not future-goal oriented. Although I don't consider not being future goal-oriented a "lifestyle" (thank you, Dr. Phil) that is in vogue at this time in this country (it is, in fact, far from being admired), for me, lacking goal orientation isn't a lifestyle but a (thanks once again, Dr. Phil) a "life strategy" that not only "works" for me, but makes sense to me. This is not to say that I don't make plans and carry them out. Nor is it to say that I do not place expectations on my relationships and work to see those expectations become a reality. It's hard, really, to describe the way I "work" at my life. All I can report is that anytime I've ever wanted to do something, such as move to a particular place, learn a particular subject or skill, get to know a particular person, advance a relationship to a particular point, work in the world at a particular task, I've always accomplished these desires. My process is, generally, that I decide what it is I want to do, where it is I want to go or who it is I wish to know and how I wish to know them then, well, let it ride. Without knowing quite how the process works, without consciously directing it, at some point, sometimes with my unwitting help, sometimes serendipitously, a curtain draws back and I walk into the arena in which I imagined I want to be. Although it hasn't been until the last 5 years or so that I've realized that operating through one's life in this way takes a high level of self-possession, confidence and clear presence in one's life, it has not been necessary for me to know this.
    Very recently though, there have been elements of, well, push and shove to the way I've been operating in my life as I am my mother's caretaker. I realized this last night as I lay my aching body down for sleep, not really understanding why I was aching and needing to know. In order to get a variety of business and personal things done on behalf of my mother's material circumstances I've been operating, just recently, differently than usual. I've been deliberately and consciously breaking 'destinations' into smaller tasks and ticking off the tasks as each is accomplished, thus obviously moving toward the destination. This strategy has applied exclusively to business destinations and I decided to do this because I've been involved in some very trying business dealings within the last three years that, although I bested them, were extremely draining and quite disillusioning. Finally, I wanted to avoid both the drain and the disillusion. It seems, though, that by switching out of my typical strategy within the last few days, although I have "accomplished" much in a short period of time, I have also drained myself more than I had before in any previous business dealings and entered into a level of irony and objective leering that is not at all comfortable for me and leaves me feeling quite removed from everything.
    So I decided this evening that I need to relax back into my habit of deep, personal involvement in my mother's life quickly before the managing I've tried to do over the last few days becomes a habit. I need to reinstitute my previous "loss" of myself to my situation. As I write this I can feel myself unraveling.
    I know this isn't the kind of advice that most caretakers would find helpful. I know this isn't the kind of advice that most people, at least here in the United States, would consider wise, least of all people who counsel caretakers on how to better perform their responsibilities without "going crazy". But it works for me and, I've found over the last few days that the current wisdom does not.
    Mmmmm, I feel renewal stirring inside me, right now. I'm beginning to relax. The curtains are drawing open, again, this time, inviting me to a restful sleep. I'm ready for bed, blissfully ready. I'll be back, later.
- posted by gail rae @ 01:23   email...this post