Apologia to my reaction to caregivers taking care of themselves:
    In some important ways my caregiving situation is unique, critically coloring my attitude toward advice given to caregivers to take care of themselves:

1. In my situation with my mother I am a first-time intensive caregiver. I have never been married, have not raised children, have not sought primary outlets by tending to others. I have, in fact, been so fascinated with myself, my interests and the development and practice of my skills and abilities that I tend toward, and prefer, solitary pursuits to social pursuits. From the time I left home my primary (and, sometimes, exclusive) caretaking tasks have been devoted to taking care of me.
       Even in intimate relationships, although I am known as a caring and caregiving friend and lover, it is rare that I 'sacrifice' (meant in the negative) myself to others' needs. When I slip into this mode I am equipped with an internal Early Warning System developed by virtue of having been extremely independent. This has sometimes created a problem for others but it is rare for me to solve this problem by taking on added caregiving tasks if it means I will have to sacrifice (again, meant in the negative) anything I enjoy and find useful about myself and my life.
2. Thus, I think there are many ways that my situation, if handled by someone else, would overwhelm another but does not overwhelm me. As well, my learning curve in this adventure has been steep because I have lead an adamantly self-possessed life. There are many caregiving tasks and attitudes that I do not take on because my Mom & Me Adventure is my first intense adventure in caregiving, so I hadn't previously (and continue to try not to) developed any automatic caregiving habits that threaten to undermine my sense of self.
       As well, there are many caregiving tasks and attitudes which are habits to other lifelong caregivers that I have had to learn while giving care to my mother (and am still learning) and which I welcome as they expand my ability to extend myself to others.
3. When I am overwhelmed in this adventure it is often because I find it necessary to learn how to deal effectively with areas of life I have, up to the point at which I became my mother's companion, avoided in order to keep my life as simple as possible; i.e., dealing with the business world on a sophisticated level and negotiating the healthcare-industrial complex.
       When I become overwhelmed by the personal demands of my role as companion to my mother, which has happened a few times, I am typically clumsy in my reaction and can be counted on to exhibit ludicrously bad behavior. I am, at this time, laboring under the sad and disturbing consequences of one of these episodes that I perpetuated on MFS. As usual, I am handling the fall out in my typically self-possessed way, which may or may not be aggravating the situation, I haven't figured that out. One aspect of how I handle being overwhelmed is sure: Even as I wince at, apologize for and try to make amends for bad behavior on my part, I don't, as well, perform a 180° turn in the attitudes and perceptions that underlie the behavior. This stubbornness on my part causes problems. Although I'm living through some of those problems now, I'm still unsure of how to deal with them except to acknowledge the freedom the other person in this drama has to react in her most comfortable and most protective way. This particular learning curve is not only steep but rocky but, at the moment, being done in forced seclusion. Lucky for me I've always preferred climbing to descending.
4. Because of the uniqueness of my life and the place my companionship of my mother takes in it I am more apt to experience what others would consider onerous conditions as interesting and live through them with involvement, zest and the expectation that they will enhance me rather than shrink me.
5. Because I am in the habit of insisting on "doing my thing" I haven't been prone to 'sacrifice' (meant in the negative) my interests. When I find myself having to do this it doesn't bother me. I don't consider it 'sacrifice'(meant in the negative), as I only do it when necessary and I have confidence in my ability to determine "necessary" circumstances.
       One such circumstance occurred last fall when I was granted, through MFS and MPS, some time to prepare quickly for a class I was planning to take and to which I was looking forward. After attending two sessions of the much enjoyed class my mother's health took an extreme downturn and I chose to pursue intensive medical care for her in another location, which put me out of range of the class. I have not experienced any regret over having to do this (although, it should also be noted, for some unknown reason of which I am very grateful, I am mostly immune to regret, both on behalf of the actions of others toward me and themselves as well as my own actions toward myself and others). I expect at some point to be able to either take the class again or pursue the subject in another out-of-mother-companionship method. I look forward to this but I absolutely do not resent that last fall turned out not to be the right/ripe time. This is pretty much how I handle all events that many long term and much experienced caregivers might consider frustrating.
6. Since I have always considered my self (separation of those two words deliberate) the most interesting aspect of being alive and have always been fascinated with my own thoughts, feelings and reactions to life, I have no inclination, at all, to bury my self, in any way, in anyone else, including myself. Surrender, yes; it is my favorite way of coming to understand people, situations, life et al. Bury, no. I figure if I bury my self there is nothing above ground for me to surrender. Surrender, for me, is an active, rather than passive, activity.
7. As a natural writer I have always journaled, both internally and in "hard copy" (which is to say, for the world, either orally or in written language). Thus, I can attest that journaling is one of the very important and nourishing habits of caregiving, but I don't stop there: To me it is one of the very important and nourishing habits of living.
8. My situation with my mother is also unusual in that her income allows me to be her caretaker without also having to hold down a job outside the home. I worked outside the home by choice in our first years together, first full time then part time then, for awhile, from our home. Now it is best for both my mother and me that my only productive engagement that would normally be referred to as work is being my mother's companion.
9. Because of all of the above, I believe I am in a uniquely qualified position to determine, not only for myself but other caregivers who are, unlike myself, life-long caregivers (and most likely women), when the very common scoldings of today directed at over-taxed caregivers tip the scale from appropriate, helpful advice into yet another attempt to put the responsibility for all aspects of caregiving exclusively on the caregiver instead of scolding those who are taken care of yet perfectly capable of the tasks of caregiving to others (including their caregivers).
       It is interesting to me that both camps, the caregivers and those either not care taking (usually, they are being taken care of) or those giving care in very oblique (and sometimes questionable) ways, have a tendency to feel overwhelmed with this issue and are almost impossible to scold into compliance. Yet we, as a society, choose first to scold the caregivers, who are least likely to argue because of their extreme level of overwhelm-ment and the years of socialization designed to prepare them for "taking it".

    I'll be back later to write and post my specific reaction (although, I notice, I've covered one of those reactions, already) to issues raised in the Beliefnet article Caregiver! Take Care of Yourself! by Debbie E. Mandel.
- posted by gail rae @ 12:19   email...this post