It's a dream that's puzzling me...
...a dream from which I awoke into the day. It was a two part dream; as though I'd had two dreams in one, except that there was no break in the REM cycle I was in. The first I have completely forgotten except that it was immensely satisfying. The second was, well, intriguing, although my memories of it are fading fast, as well.
    My mother was in the dream, we were as we are now, same age, same relationship, me as caretaker, etc., my mother was even wearing her favorite outfit, which, oddly, she donned today. Although I remember little else, what I do remember is that we lost track of several things throughout the dream. That is to say, I lost track of them, my mother did not so much lose track of these things as simply delete their existence and any memory of it. I remember her being surprised that, as I was discovering items missing, she was wondering, out loud, of course, where I got the idea that we'd ever had these items.
    I lost both our cars from our garage. I lost her purse. I lost my purse. I made a purchase (of what, I can't remember) at a corner Circle-K type store for her as she waited outside and, on my way to her, I lost what I'd purchased. When we arrived home from where ever we were we were visited by two people, a man and a woman I do not know in real life, and I managed to lose them, too.
    I was not frantic so much as bewildered. I remember asking throughout the dream, rhetorically, although directing my question to my mother, "Where is everything going?" I remember my mother responding, but I do not remember her response.
    I was neither relieved nor distraught about the loses, but, as the dream progressed, I was more surprised when things didn't disappear than when they did. I awoke before the dream was resolved, not from the dream itself but from one of our cats gently scraping my arm, anxious to be allowed out on the patio before the day heated.
    All day, as the memory of the dream, and even my memory of the memories, fades I've been focusing on one thing: priming myself to dream a similar dream, tonight, whether I remember it or not, so that I can not so much finish the dream as finish the work I seemed to have been doing in regard to my life with my mother as I dreamt it. I think it has something to do with whittling away so many assumptions I've had over the last half century about life and living; assumptions which we believe are assumptions we should have, all of them assumptions that we must overcome rather than allowing ourselves to be overcome. My mother is clearly being overcome by life, now. I've been transfixed by this process lately and, I think, by accompanying her through this, I'm learning something about my own preference for lack of interior control which I've guiltily carted throughout my life, wishing not so much that I could master it but that I'd not been born with it.
    Now, in the quiet revelation of my mother's life being so clearly overwhelmed both internally and externally by Life, I almost feel as though I'm being allowed to see that I need no longer feel guilty about my own proclivities.
    I'm not sure of this, though. So I want to dream this dream, or at least a dream that provides an illustration of the same realization, again. Tonight.
    Now that I've focused on this I am on my way to do it.
    Forgive the strange posting. It is a note to myself, a long note to myself. I'll write notes to others later.
- posted by gail rae @ 00:44   email...this post