Not Just Me
    Yesterday I talked to another woman, also a daughter, also in her 50's, just two houses down our street, who lived with her mother and took care of her until she died, a few weeks ago. I'd met her much earlier but we'd had very little contact. She told me there is another woman on the same street, south of us by several houses, who does the same for her father.
    The woman north of me reminds me of the caricature of outspoken, bawdy English fishwives. She's short, as wide as she is tall (her description; I think she is only half as wide as she is tall), extremely energetic and somewhat more ostentatious than I am in presentation. She told me, today, that she decided to dye her hair very artificial red because she noticed that I'd been playing with unusual hair color for somewhat over a year. We talked about how the isolation of caregiving has a tendency in some people, certainly her and I, to push us into becoming more outgoing and "noticeable" than we were before taking on caregiving duties. I can't imagine that she was ever less outgoing than she is now, but I can remember a time when, for all my comfort in social situations, I was not nearly as outspoken and visible as I am now. Having to advocate on behalf of someone else tends to do this, I think.
    Her life changed immeasurably, as did mine, when she decided to take care of her mother on a live-in basis. She received more help from her family than I do from mine, but has the same attitude...those who are able, do, those who can't do what they can (her family includes sisters, brothers and grown children with their own families; she is a widow). She, as do I, feels very lucky that someone in her family was available to live with and take care of her mother. Even so, there were times when her mother needed such intense, specialized care (she was bedridden for the last year or so) that she had to spend short periods of time in a nursing home. These periods were far from a relief for the daughter. She found, as did I last fall when my mother was hospitalized, that professional caregivers tend to be less solicitous than teenage babysitters, so she spent most of her time at the nursing home with her mother.
    She tells me that the woman who takes care of her father continues to work outside the home, although her father is bedridden. She is a tall, dark, cool looking woman. I don't think I've ever seen her in anything but a business suit. She hires a lot of help to see to her father but regrets not being able to stop her career and do much of the caregiving herself. She has had to 'unhire' about as many professionals as she's kept, and my northern neighbor tells me that the southern neighbor never feels fully at work when she goes to the office.
    There are so many of us doing this for our parents or elderly relatives yet, despite this, we remain isolated and invisible. So many different situations and feelings surround caregiving. From talking with my northern neighbor and learning about my southern neighbor's situation, I'm not surprised that many of us are not comfortable with the current climate and advice that exists 'out there' and is meant to be for our support. Single, live-in caregivers, while given resplendent lip service, are often cheered on rather like a coach cheers a football team: We are told how wonderful our dedication is, then admonished that we should "take better care of ourselves", not "lose" our lives, take advantage of all our resources (which, more often than not, are hell to negotiate, even the most well-meaning ones), and sent back into the field with 'meet the challenge' pep talks. Coaches, though, know by doing what their players are experiencing and are aware that much rides on the individual player's willingness to participate. This isn't the case with advisers to caregivers for the old. Few people who advise us have given intense, live-in care alone to the old and dealt with attempting to help someone live her or his life on an increasingly dependent basis while negotiating the inevitable lack of resources, or the availability of resources that aren't really resources and increase the aggravation of the caregiver, rather than alleviate it. I'll bet, most often, their advice is created from reading about the experience rather than living it.
- posted by gail rae @ 13:03   email...this post