To MFASRF: An Update
    It will be a lot shorter than my last e, I promise; an emotional update.
    A friend of mine decided to drive me up to Prescott today so I wouldn't have to use the shuttles to bring the truck down and semi-close down the house. This time, the trip was quite strange (compliments, as always, of Neil Young). I didn't want to leave Prescott. I remember being ambivalent about leaving last year and waiting until the day before Thanksgiving. I also remember that it was easy, very easy for my mother to linger here in the Valley. I am sure she was getting weaker, down here.
    Anyway, the place I really hate to leave is Prescott. As the afternoon progressed I continued thinking of people I should call one last time (although I'll probably be going up there next week, too, and again before October 26th). Then, I had to get coffee on the way out. Then, I had something else to do...oh, yeah, check the air pressure in my tires...
    On the way down the slope I thought, graphically, about my mother, reviewed her last several months and realized that she is now in a phase of her life where everything is 3 steps back, two steps forward, or, sometimes, one. I thought of this in connection with the last e I wrote you, which I remembered, as I was driving, as relentlessly (or, may, desperately) optimistic (at least, for me, as much as I am capable of optimism in any situation). The heart of the truth is that each time she recovers, she recovers a bit less. I thought about your brother, too, and realized his death was completely different than my mother's is going to be. I wondered, if, as the years go by, we experience other people's deaths, those close to us, even when we are children, and that is how we go about "chosing" our own deaths. I wondered if your brother ever contemplated a drawn out old age, dying almost by selection, and decided, "Nah, not for me." Or, has my mother ever thought, "Well, I like it here, I think I'll stay as long as I can hang on, regardless of what happens. I can handle old age. It's not so bad."
    I don't, by the way, have a choice, at the moment, as I did a mere year or so ago. I know that as I watch my mother die of old age, watch her endure the physical discomforts and mental indulgences that her life-style has dictated (which aren't all that bad, really), I become more and more accepting of growing very old. Depending on one's outlook, it's not so bad. She is beyond happy, in a very removed way. "...resigned in the best sense of the word." Resignation happens on a physical and emotional level, as well as on a mental level, as one ages. It's very interesting to watch.
    Although I have, in the last few weeks, within hours of her "Alternative Level of Consciousness Episode", decided, once again, that she has it in her to hang on another 4 or 5 years, I realized today that there is also the possibility that she will never see Prescott, again, which would be less, probably much less, than 4 or 5 years. I think I am getting the sense that she has not decided. These last few physical steps back have been rather unpleasant for her and very, very draining. I think she is wondering how much more she cares to take. I hope I can modify her medical treatment, as we continue, so that she is comfortable with whatever she decides, as she pursues her decision.
    She just woke up. I noticed that she has probably slept most of the day. I wonder how she's doing. I'll keep you posted, as I can. Although the intensity has risen by powers recently, the rising of the intensity of her care has been magnifying very rapidly in the last several months. I know you are aware that I involve myself minutely and ambitiously to the task at hand, and even just from a contemplative point of view, my mother has taken much of my time in the last several months. You will hear from me again, I'm not sure when.
    I hope you're doing, well, hmmm, well, of course I do. I was just wondering about you, today, on the drive. I do love that area, and the drive. Too dry for me but I could do much worse than to end up living in that house for several years, up there, in that area, with that property. I could forego Seattle, for awhile, after my mother's death, for that area, that community, those friends, if the house should happen to fall into my hands.
- posted by gail rae @ 17:31   email...this post