To MFASRF: I have been feeling the need, this morning, to consider my experiences with my mother.
    You gave me the perfect framework. I hope you don't mind if I indulge in your presence.
    I had never thought of whether considering my mother my best friend was emotionally deadly. I actually consider my sisters, all of them, my best friends and my most complicated relationships. I've never considered my relationship with my mother complicated, which may be why she still has the capacity to surprise me. You know, it's funny, I don't even consider what I'm doing with her now "payback" for what she did for me when I was a child. This type of caretaking is quite different: The further it goes, the more intense it becomes. And, what is called the "selfishness" of old age is quite a bit different than run of the mill selfishness. It's pretty much survival based selfishness, emotionally, intellectually and physically; but, interestingly, not socially. I have attempted to speculate about why this is true, but it eludes me.
    All that in-law information you wrote is very interesting to me. I think it is true that my mother and I are friends but it goes beyond that, or, perhaps, simply, in a different direction. We remain survival friends, as we were at my birth, but the scale is readjusting. I remember the time I was in therapy for anxiety attacks. It was goal oriented and short term, so it was pretty intense. I don't think I was ever asked who my "best friend" was. I have a sort of sliding "best friend" scale, anyway, and tend to define "friend" differently, depending on the context of the relationship.
    And, interesting about pedestals and parents. It is now much easier for me to drag her down off any pedestals upon which I used to hoist her. Emotionally easier for me. And, for her, too. There isn't any "you owe me this" on either side. That's nice. But, that is her generational-placement (in large part geographical), as well. My family tends to share a more smell-based, animal connection to family than anything else. Truly a blood thing. I think it surprises my mother that she and I are doing this companionship thing, whatever we're doing. I think it surprises everyone in the family. It sort of surprises me, too, although, I remember, when I was very young, I had a horror of leaving home, even leaving one of my parent's sides, and used to vow that I would never leave my parents. Funny that I'm the one who ended up loving living alone...and am now living with an elderly parent.
    I've been easing up on her the last few days She seems livlier. I've had a cold so I'm actually the one who's been sleeping, a lot. I need to get around, here. Have some coffee, drain off the last of the egg nog. We saw the hematologist last week. He's either Hindi or Sikh, I'm not sure which. I think, though, Hindi, because he doesn't have a beard. He's very intense. He understood immediately that my mother could not speak for herself, but that she was also determined to do so, and so directed his questions at her, then would check with me for corrections. It's funny, when he asked her how old she was she said, "Oh, I don't know. I don't keep track of those things, anymore. 80, I think." When I was solicited for "85", she looked at me with genuine surprise and said, "That old, huh?" The three of us laughed. She did still remember her birthday. Once her mental capabilities had been acknowledged among the three of us I jokingly asked her who was president when she was born. She answered correctly, which I confirmed later; Woodrow Wilson. Oh, damn, I forgot, we've got lab work to get before we see the hematologist again; more blood to be taken. I'm curious, now, to see what this report will tell us. Mom's not.
    So, this year I'm not in Prescott for my birthday. I'm sorry about that. I've been making "business" trips up there. On Thursday it was still shorts weather, although our state normals just dropped 10 degrees within the last few days. The beginning of fall. So, today, it'll be in the low 60's up there and gusty. It's in the low 80's, here, and gusty. I don't know, maybe I'll drive up there on my birthday and spend the day, if Mom is up to some time alone. It'll be another Thursday.
- posted by gail rae @ 12:47   email...this post