To MFASRF: Another Update
    We are now occasionally battling, which is new for us...which means maybe a small one every other day, a large one every four days or so. It is over the oxygen and smoking {and, sometimes, bathing and even staying up}. If I thought she was in danger of suddenly entroproving {hmmm, I hope you know what I mean} from quiting smoking I would not bug her. But her PCP is now pleading with her, telling her that she would be more alert, that she should not further compromise her lungs {which are not yet ridden with emphysema, and probably not cancer, either, but could stand a rest, especially at 85} and admonishes her to take advantage of the oxygen to raise her blood oxygen so that she feels strong enough to move.
    Although some mistakes have been made by the medical-industrial complex regarding her recent care, I know and understand they were honest mistakes, rooted in the neonatally researched area of reliable information on the geriatric condition, let alone how to medically treat the elderly. And, I do not believe that guiding her strenously toward quitting smoking (she already smokes much less than a few months ago) would endanger anything. Besides. The woman is still alive and has a will. Perhaps she's capable of learning a new trick or two. If not, we'll both figure that out and adjust.
    My mother, of course, is resistant. She has some mighty slick ways of resisting. As she falls back on them I am surprised to notice that these behaviors are familiar to me, coming from her, but just more pronounced because I see her using them to protect herself, not someone else.
    My change in behavior, from allowing her habits to exerting control over her habits for her good [in this case I am convinced, at this point, that it is not only for her own good, she will come to realize this] is easy for neither of us to take. Earlier in the day I admitted to MPS that on some days I just give up. Much to Mom's pleasure and my relief.
    And, it is still a case of 3 steps back, one, maybe two, on a good day, steps forward.
    I was thinking about you, today, while digesting some information MPS gave me about a program on PBS about caretaking for the elderly. All types of situations, including family caretaking. She said she was "surprised" to hear many fulltime caretakers expressing a feeling of losing their sanity, feeling the depressing weight of stress and the loss of one's life in another's. I noticed the show repeated this afternoon and set it up for automatic record, and stepped in the house just as it was ending; I intend to watch the program tonight. I was reminded of the mention, in The Noonday Demon, that Primo Levi committed suicide in the wake of a prolonged, intense period of taking care of his elderly mother. I wonder if he left any caretaker's notes.
    As for me, last year it was about ear piercings, this year it is about hair. I found an over-the-counter brand that produces the very color I was after, cranberry red, and for about a 6th of what I paid a salon to do it. As well, it is exactly what I envisioned. Although the salon came close, I discovered, while using the stuff I bought, that they were not daring enough and what I wanted could have been achieved by them. I am going to re-do the black, myself, tomorrow, with a shade that should come out as cool black with purple (not literally, but a black with purple in the mix) undertones. What would normally be called a "blue black", just a bit warmer. Don't ask me why I am now redoing my hair, and so flagrantly. I have no idea, but, so far, I love everything I'm doing (much like my reaction to the piercings, last year, with which I am still pleased). All these things fit me so well. Although they're a bit shocking, they are easy for other people to get used to and to consider natural. It's very bizarre. At least this one doesn't involve pain.
    My interest in death is much diminished. Instead of spending an afternoon viewing passing trains, I often pray (if one could call it that, and, I think one could), at odd moments, for a hastening of my death. I'm ready. I'm not motivated to do it myself, but it wouldn't bother me if it happened within the next few years. I am not always praying that, though. There are times when I am glad I'm alive...honored, in fact. So, that's good.
    So, the reason I thought of you is because as I was driving, today, and contemplating mymotherandme, I remembered that you said you read my previous emails with the news about my mother, and, I guess, some of my reaction, as well, with "some intent" (wonderfully put, MFASRF) because of your father's broken hip...and I thought you might appreciate an update.
- posted by gail rae @ 18:00   email...this post